June: Me, Marseille and I

A recent trip to Marseille did nothing to amend an abiding impression that dated back to 1978. In the back seat of my friend Philip’s white Renault 4 with the future first Mrs. Sampson, I remember thinking that Marseille was somewhere I never particularly wanted to see again. It seemed big, noisy, dirty and rather intimidating. We were on our way to Cassis on the other side of the Calenques to visit the same friends we spent two days and two nights with last week in a kind of upmarket holiday camp.

But visit it we did; the second Mrs. Sampson felt that her life would not be complete if we didn’t evaluate France’s second (or third, if you’re Lyonnais) city. Besides, it was kind of half way between us and our friends in the Alps, Jacqui and Claude. And we could all get there by train. And Jacqui found us a midweek deal at the Villages Clubs du Soleil, a cross between Butlins and one of those ghastly cordoned-off holiday compounds inside which you can lie on a lounger, turn a shade of fuchsia, drink until you’re blotto and watch the natives on the other side of the perimeter fence going about their alien lives. It was classier than both, but born of the same all-in mentality. Being France, it wasn’t a case of all-you-can-drink, but rather all-you-can-eat – which made choosing a venue for dinner that suited all four of us a whole lot easier.

The train took the strain, so a long but relaxing coming we had of it. One change only: at Montauban (‘Ville des Bourbons’, apparently), as unedifying a city as our café crèmes at an establishment just down from the station. It’s quite an achievement to render coffee so milky and revolting, but that café managed it triumphantly. Our connection from Bordeaux arrived on time, to take us via Toulouse and Carcassonne, then along the Mediterranean coast via Narbonne and Sête, then Bezier, Montpelier, Nimes, Arles and finally to Marseille Saint-Charles.

The station sits atop a promontory that affords a view from the top of its grand central steps across a ramshackle roofscape to the sea. It reminded me of Brighton’s main station, only Marseille is hotter, noisier and dirtier than London-by-the-sea. Depositing our minimal baggage at our nearby first-night hotel, we set off for the Office de Tourisme near the old port at the foot of Marseille’s famous main-drag, La Canibière. A solicitous young man helped us when we must have looked like a pair of lost tourists. The office was there across the wide boulevard bisected by tram tracks, a little further down on the right. And how did we get across said boulevard? I asked him (in the apparent absence of a pedestrian crossing in the vicinity). Errr, by walking across it. Oh. Right. I thanked him. What a pair of eejits. But what a nice young man.

Another nice man, Olivier from the Office de Tourisme, sold us the last four tickets for a guided tour of Le Corbusier’s famous social-housing experiment, the Cité Radieuse. In discovering that we were adoptive Lotois, he asked us how we liked the local duck. We didn’t, being vegetarian. At which point, we lost him. He wished us a happy stay in the city and we went off armed with a map. My mission on that first afternoon, which my understanding Good Wife chose to accept, was to track down one or two of the record shops I had earmarked at home. The expedition took us up into the edgy hinterland of the 6^th district, an area full of seedy alleyways, vintage shops, organic salad bars and colourful graffiti. The city fathers (and mothers) seem to have given up trying to fight the ubiquitous spontaneous decorations, which range from monochrome scribbles to vibrant murals.

Tangerine, the first record shop we stumbled upon, was so eye-wateringly expensive that we stumbled straight back out again. But on the trek back to the hotel, we discovered La Bonne Mère (taking its peculiar name from the nickname given to the city’s most famous landmark, the basilica high above the port, Notre-Dame de la Garde): a tiny establishment with a wonderfully diverse collection and a few bargain bins run by a charming guy passionate about his wares. Debs went back to the hotel while I chatted to him about music from the Antilles and Disques Debs International in particular. I came away with a bag of seven LPs for 30 bucks, including Sonny Rollins’ film score for Alfie. What’s it all about, this addiction of mine?

At breakfast the next morning, we chatted to a quartet of British expats who have settled south of Bergerac. They were on a cruise until the ship caught fire somewhere near Toulon. Apparently, they were told to wait in their cabins for further announcements – which never came. Another reason never to take to the water in a vessel resembling a block of flats.

We spent the morning before our friends’ arrival exploring the area of cobbled streets, steps and alleyways overlooking the port known as Le Panier (the Basket) and made famous by the novels of Marcel Pagnol. Heaven knows what the likes of Marius, Fanny or César would have made of our holiday compound, a hot half-hour walk from the station on the other side of the railway tracks. We all agreed to stay there for the rest of the day to unwind and enjoy the facilities: the pool, the boules, the bar (for our complementary kier) and the buffet-style restaurant. We sat outside to dispel a hint within of a glorified canteen. One of the staff came out periodically to issue a verbal warning to Roget, a voracious seagull that has become a local celebrity.

Next morning, our complementary 24-hour Citypasses took us by a boat crowded with young schoolchildren and German tourists to the Chateau d’If, where we were dive-bombed by Roget’s kind on a stroll around the perimeter fortifications. We must have got too close to their fledglings and downy young that wandered aimlessly about like feckless teenagers. So we took refuge in the chateau itself, a great pink slab with walls two metres thick at the apex of the rocky outcrop. I was able to call upon my vivid memories of a BBC drama series with Alan Badel in the title role to summarise the Count of Monte Cristo for the others. The cells were so dark and daunting as to suggest that tunnelling his way through to his ancient neighbour – and thence to the sea below by means of a body bag – smacked of creative license.

The apartments within the Cité Radieuse of Le Corbusier are light, airy and spacious in comparison. Our tour kicked-off at 2pm, which didn’t give us much time to get back from the rocky outcrop, find somewhere mutually agreeable for lunch and then locate our destination, a brisk 20-minute walk from the nearest metro station. Claude’s first reaction to the monumental concrete block about as big as a modern cruise liner was ‘HLM’ – which is exactly what it is: une Habitation à Loyer Modérér, constructed with state aid to house those with modest means. In this case, some of the bombed-out families of wartime Marseille. Squatting on vast concrete pillars and coloured with splashes of primary colours like something conceived by Piet Mondrian, the building went many, many times over-budget, which no doubt explains why most social housing blocks thereafter were built with such minimal concern for either comfort or community.

It was when the tour moved inside that it got particularly interesting. We speculated whether our guide was a resident, so intimate was her knowledge of the building’s concept and design features, even down to the detail of the €400 monthly charges that today’s proprietors pay on top of any mortgages for the upkeep of such a behemoth. One of the interlocking apartments has been kept in its original early-‘50s state, when the colourful sliding cupboards and fitted galley kitchens were state-of-the-art. It looked a little like the set for Jacques Tati’s modernist Mon Oncle. We were asked to look but not to touch and to wear covers like blue shower-caps over our shoes. I noted with dismay that I was the only one of the party to somehow put them on inside out.

From there, she led us up to the roof, which was truly the pièce de résistance. With its 360-degree views all over Marseille, with its recreation areas and even an in-house on-roof école maternelle, it’s like an architect’s adventure playground. Although I’ve never seen it, it made me think of the Fiat factory roof in Turin. I kept expecting the latest test models to come roaring round around the bend and down the home straight. From the northern rim, you can look down at the Orange Vélodrome, the equally impressive stadium where Olympique Marseille play their football. On the way back to the metro station, we passed the stadium and wondered why so many people were milling about under the cold, wary gaze of soldiers cradling sub-machine guns. The football season was over, surely. Back in our glorified holiday camp, we learnt that Ed Sheeran was playing there that night. Last week it was Bruce Springsteen.

Come Saturday morning, we discovered why a midweek stay in our holiday village is a better option than the weekend. Our converted maternity hospital was now crawling with guests. Some of them looked like the type to chat noisily in the corridor outside your bedroom at 5am and wake up the oldies within. It was time to leave – and, after one last stifling walk around le Vieux Port, time, too, to leave town. The Dame can tick it off her list of places to visit. As far as I’m concerned, once you’ve seen one big Mediterranean city, you’ve seen ‘em all. I was itching to get back to the peace and quiet of home: to play my new records and watch the bees and the butterflies dance among the flowering lavender. The only slight problem was that we had nearly two hours to kill in Montauban. And there’s another city I never want to see again.

May: The Great Iberian Khyber Attack

I’m not best suited for travel. There are too many things that can go wrong: breakdowns, postponements, missed connections, deportations, personal injuries, thefts… Strangely enough, I don’t worry about plane crashes, only the potential damage to my ears: a hangover from my last trans-Atlantic trip to New York, which could have been the source of the tinnitus in my left ear. It’s good to experience new places and see new things, but my natural nesting self prefers the comfort and security of its own home.

All of which makes April a remarkable month for your foreign correspondent, since it involved not one but two trips away – both involving hated airports and airplanes. The first one, early in the month, saw me winging my way to Belfast in a plane full of Norn Irish families fresh from evidently exhilarating trips to EuroDisney. It spoke volumes about the tenor of modern life that it tended to be the adults who wore the Mickey Mouse ears (for souvenirs). One such modern mum asked her wee child, ‘Would you like to play on your wee phone?’ I was transfixed by another specimen across the aisle with the blondest hair, the blackest eyes, the longest fingernails and the fattest lips I ever did see. Lord forgive them, I told myself, for they know not what they do.

We landed at Belfast International airport, 25 miles or so north of Belfast and built right beside Lough Neagh, now Europe’s most polluted lake thanks primarily to agricultural run-off. Yer man at the passports desk immediately made me feel at home. No worries about being barred from entry and incarcerated in an airless room for questioning. ‘How’re you doing today; you all right?’ he asked me with the cheer that’s entirely lacking when re-entering France. I told him I was here for a wee holiday. ‘Uch that’s great; have a lovely time now,’ he wished me, handing back my passport. (I always bring my French and British passports, just in case one gets lost or stolen and I find myself stranded and walled up in some alien hotel room. I keep them in separate pockets to defy thieves.) His welcome reminded me that for all the fat lips and pre-pubescent phones and sectarian violence, the Norn Irish people are some of the warmest and friendliest on earth.

I was there to meet my best-est friend from school, who flew in to Belfast City airport near Rory McIlroy’s Holywood birthplace after celebrating his 70^th birthday on the Queen Mary from New York to Southampton. My mission, which I chose to accept, was to hire a car from Mr. Herz (he dead), meet my main man at his cousin’s in suburban Finaghy, take a guided tour around our old school, check out the record shops in the city centre, then take off on a wee trip to County Tyrone and to Portstewart to see his childhood haunts and more long-lost cousins, before returning to Belfast for one last evening prior to wending our separate ways back home.

It all went miraculously to plan and I didn’t need that extra insurance that Mr. Herz (he dead) talked me into to protect me from damage and theft. Rory even finally won his elusive Masters on the Sunday. We were treated like visiting royals by the vice-principal of our old school, who proudly showed off the gob-smacking new facilities and presented us with a goody-bag at our conclusion. I now drink my morning lukewarm lemon in my MCB mug. We found one splendid record shop whose proprietor made me a present of the CD I took to the counter. Cousin Anna in Finaghy and Cousin Heather in Tyrone adopted me as an honorary member of the family. The latter couldn’t believe that we weren’t brothers. ‘You even write the same!’ (Mind you, she also thought that I was the calmest, most relaxed person she’d ever met.) I delivered the wee hired Toyota without a scratch, and the plane got me back to Paris Charles de Gaulle without incident. It was full of young families flying there to visit EuroDisney. Touch wood, my right ear seems to be fine.

Later that same month… after leaving Daphne with her godparents and the cats with our house-sitter, the Good Wife and I got up at the unspeakable hour of 3.30 to drive to Toulouse and catch a plane to Seville, there to meet up with The Daughter, who had a friend’s wedding to attend on the Saturday. Seville, I discovered, is the fourth largest city in Spain, full of narrow passageways, fin de siècle metalwork balconies, gaudy churches, tapas bars and populous plazas. The public buildings are among the most impressive I’ve ever seen: the church of San Salvador, a temple of religious kitsch that puts the Ro- in Rococo and the gold in bullion (no doubt plundered from the New World in the name of God, Spain and the Catholic church); the ‘ossum’ cathedral, the biggest Gothic cathedral in the world, from whose original Moorish tower we looked down upon a maelstrom of football fans in the squares below, drinking, chanting and setting off fireworks prior to the Copa del Rey between Real Madrid and Barcelona that evening in the local stadium (and never, ever have I seen so many replica football shirts); and finally the truly glorious Real Alcázar palace with its formal gardens alive with the cries of peacocks, a dazzling marriage of Moorish and classical architectural that maybe even tops the Alhambra of Granada. I must point out, too, that – according to the official translation – ‘the ablution court [of the cathedral] is dedicated to being a cemetery.’

All went well until the Monday morning. It could have been worse; we could have been in a lift. We arrived at the Flamenco Museum to find it shrouded in darkness. The woman at the desk explained that the lights had gone out suddenly and we should come back a little later. While wandering around the old labyrinthine Jewish quarters, Debs picked up a snippet of conversation to suggest that the lights had also gone out in Barcelona. In trying to cross main roads rendered anarchic by the immobilisation of traffic lights in order to reach the shade and safety of the beautiful public parks, high anxiety set in. We had little cash, so how could we pay to eat out or even buy salad foods to eat in? How could water be pumped to the taps? How could planes fly without air traffic control to guide them? How, why, what, where, when…?

And when the power came back suddenly early evening, I worried that the rush everywhere to phones and TV sets to find out what had happened would plunge us back into darkness. For me, the most likely explanation seemed to be a cyber attack, no doubt courtesy of those fiendish Russkies checking to find how easy it would be to bring a nation to a standstill prior to invasion. My wife, my dear modern-day Mrs. Malaprop, with whom I have just celebrated 35 years of near-constant marital harmony, suggested it was a Khyber attack, but I felt a raid on central electricity generating boards by rabid hoards of spear-wielding Afghani tribesmen rather unlikely.

It was well that we left early for the station the next morning to catch our train to Cordoba. There was aggravated pandemonium in a forecourt that thronged with queues and crowds shuffling and jostling aimlessly to a soundtrack of incomprehensible announcements and instructions shouted through a megaphone, all witnessed by a camera crew perhaps from Seville Today. Having just about given up on the idea of travelling by train and discussing instead a drastic last-ditch flight by Über, suddenly we caught the word ‘Cordoba’ on the public address system. ‘T’was a miracle! Our church visits must have prompted some benevolent deity to give us a break. Mirabile dictu, we arrived in our destination only 15 minutes later than originally scheduled.

Significantly smaller than Seville, Cordoba is another gem – even though the proprietor of our apartment, almost certainly a man, neglected to provide a bread knife and instructions for one of the most incomprehensible induction hubs ever built to defy a Khyber attack. And yet… reader, I cracked it (quite by chance). Serendipitously, on our first afternoon there, we found the modest, unassuming Flamenco Museum, which charged the Missus and me a princely euro and Tilley the Kid twice that for admission to one of the most enjoyable and charming museums ever perused. The Good Wife likened it to another unexpected delight, Cumbria’s very own Pencil Museum. The history of the genre was stored in a succession of white drawers that opened to reveal information, videos, sound recordings, portraits and memorabilia.

Architecturally, though, the high spot of the trip was our visit the next morning to the Mezquita-Catedral de Córdoba: one-part mosque, one-part cathedral and several parts optical illusion. Like some fantastical M.C. Escher drawing, the columns and two-tier arches appear to recede into the distance in a perfectly straight line on latitudinal, longitudinal and diagonal planes. And plonked right in the middle of it all is a 16^th century Renaissance cathedral that glitters with gold and general decorative vulgarity. By contrast, the mosaics and extraordinarily intricate stone carvings of the Islamic remains are truly spellbinding.

Thus ended our trip to Andalucia – without catastrophe, despite the best efforts of Afghani tribesmen or Russian deviants. Who knows what long-term damage might have been perpetrated? But perhaps it will amount to less than the damage inflicted on the English language by incompetent translators (or more likely Artificial Intelligence). This splendid example comes from Cordoba’s church of San Francisco. Writing as if Saint Francis of Assisi, our guide states, ‘My fully evangelical, austere and simple religious life made me nt [sic] of brothers soon. And, although I do not like anything I admit, I am the first known case in the history of visible and external stigmatization.’

Well, it’s almost as impenetrable as that induction hob. As the first known case of serene anxiety and catastrophic calmness decidedly not dedicated to being a cemetery, may I suggest that these people pay a proper translator?

 

April: Fade to Grey

Not a lot of any real consequence happens in these parts (and sank ‘eavens for that, as Maurice Chevalier might have crooned), but a death in the commune always sets tongues a-wagging. Particularly if it’s two deaths. Admittedly, both protagonists were on their last legs, so the deaths came as little surprise and probably in both cases as a considerable mercy.

In the case of Alain, it’s Black I feel sorry for, his little Jack Russell crossbreed that runs to the gate and barks at passers-by. I’ve never dared to put my hand through the uprights and give him a friendly pat in case he should bite the hand that pets him. With Alain gone, Black is left alone to roam the enclosed garden. His sister-in-law across the road feeds him but certainly doesn’t walk him, and his must now be a forlorn existence. Poor Black.

I don’t think ‘poor Alain’ because his death was a long time coming. I liked him well enough; he was a genial chap and he and his brother Jean-Louis helped lift some tiles with their tractor onto our roof during construction. He also emptied our fosse septique once or twice, so I owed him a debt of gratitude. Like his brother, he smoked like a chimney and I would imagine they rolled their cigarettes together during breaks when working on the farm they co-owned. Those cigarettes did for both of them: Jean-Louis went first: it must be almost 15 years since he shuffled off with lung cancer and we went to the funeral in the little graveyard near the mairie. We filed past his grieving wife and two daughters to offer our condolences, but subsequently there have been disquieting rumours about domestic abuse. I didn’t necessarily pick up on what the Good Wife always found unsettling about him, but his strange, spiteful way of saying oui put me in mind of a Mexican drug-runner.

Alain by contrast seemed quite harmless. More put-upon than the putter-upon. Being the eldest, he inherited the crumbling family home opposite ‘Treblinka’ (the grim cowsheds where they incarcerated their bovine mothers and calves). He then helped his kid brother construct the modern family home about 50 metres away on the other side of the road: a kind of garish yellow Lotois replica in concrete blocks. Alain would go there for his morning coffee and probably, too, for Sunday lunch and the occasional dinner.

Some six or seven years ago he had a severe heart attack, almost certainly brought on by smoking. From then on, he was confined to the old house, which gradually fell apart around him. I pictured him sitting there in the gloom, no doubt with the telly on all day and all evening, not moving far from the oxygen tank that kept him alive. Twice every day, a nurse would come and check on him. Occasionally a medical vehicle would turn up, presumably to replenish his life-support system. And thus he faded out, not with a bang but with a whimper. He was whisked off to hospital after another heart attack around Christmas, never to return.

Wandering past the house the other day with Debs and Daphne, we wondered what was hidden away inside that gloomy, insalubrious house. What mementos of a human life would be left behind? I suggested that he might have had a very valuable record collection – original Blue Note jazz from the ‘50s perhaps – but we scotched that idea very quickly. Best not to think about it. A few days later, I saw his cousin, his worship the mayor, and offered my condolences. I excused our breech of etiquette, but we hadn’t seen any book to sign outside the house. Apparently there hadn’t been one. It was complicated. He’s buried now aside his brother, so if there’s any such thing as a spirit world, they can get together for a celestial clope or two.

The other dearly departed went a week or so earlier. I never knew her name, but she seemed a sweet old moustachioed crone. After the death of her husband about a decade ago, she and her daughter lived together with a dog and a cat behind closed shutters. Judging by the indescribable squalor outside – with sacks of rubbish and old furniture and life’s assorted detritus piled up on a veranda and spilling into the overgrown garden – you wouldn’t want to go inside – unlike the poor daily nurse. I trust she had the good sense to turn down any offer of refreshment.  

Together, the old woman and her daughter must have co-existed in some half-lit half-life, rather like Big Edie and Little Edie, Jackie Onassis’ aunt and cousin, as featured in that unforgettable documentary, Grey Gardens. From time to time, VeeVee the daughter would emerge to walk Sasha, the little Yorkshire terrier. If we were unlucky, one or both of us might stumble upon the pair of them while walking Daphne – to engage in some fruitless conversation while witnessing the unedifying spectacle of VeeVee tugging on Sasha’s lead to keep her from wandering away from the road and doing what dogs that have been shut up in Gris Jardins all day want and need to do.

Sometimes, they would go out together in VeeVee’s little car, the frail, twisted mother barely big enough to peer over the dashboard. Again, if unlucky, VeeVee would pull over to speak to one or both of us while walking Daphne. The diminutive mother, would always enquire about la petite. What was our daughter doing these days? Pauses would become increasingly pregnant until a car from either direction would compel the daughter to wind up the window and be on her way. Whereupon one or both of us would breathe a sigh of relief, free at last to be on our way.

VeevVee stopped the other day and wound down the window for another chat while I was out walking Daphne. Having failed to sign the book of sympathy, I was able to offer my condolences in person. ‘Oh no,’ VeeVee demurred. ‘It’s one of those things.’ ‘But even so,’ I insisted. I wondered whether she was simply putting on a brave face in the French way that seems to deny emotions. But maybe… Maybe her mother’s passing might be a blessed release. Maybe she will start living her life now. She and Sasha. Perhaps she’ll open the shutters.

In fact, the shutters have remained closed. Old habits clearly die hard. However… only the other day I was out walking Daphne when a car pulled up beside me. It was VeeVee – with a man in the passenger seat. Not exactly a handsome devil, but reasonably personable. Fortunately, a car came along and she had to be on her way, but she seemed a little brighter than before. Could she… could he…?

And then the other day I was passing Gris Jardins on my bike, with Daphne trotting along behind me, and I spotted VeeVee and self-same man in what I shall call for the sake of convenience ‘the garden’. Perhaps my imagination hadn’t run away with me the other day. I wondered whether they might even be discussing ways of tidying up the place and getting rid of all that accumulated rubbish. Or… perhaps he worked for a French TV channel and he was prospecting Gris Jardins for an episode of one of those house-blitzing programmes often found on the UK’s Channel 5?

My guess is as good as yours. One thing’s for sure, though. I shall keep my ears and eyes open and let you know of any significant developments. Will Black find a loving home, for example? Will VeeVee blossom and find a loving man? And who was the chap in her passenger seat? Perhaps I should open an Instagram account.

 

March: 'We will try to speak English just for you'

Did you know that our blood renews itself every hour via our kidneys’ filters? I do now thanks to the Good Wife, who is re-reading one of her textbooks on anatomy and physiology. She takes her work seriously. Isn’t the body incredible?

So clearly we need to revive our mind and spirit regularly. Since we’ve both been coughing up phlegm all winter long and since there’s nothing like a bit of sea air, we took a trip to Arcachon for a nice phlegmatic weekend at the end of last month. We’ve been before on occasions: Arcachon, just an hour west of Bordeaux, is our landlocked home’s nearest resort. We could have gone by car, but there’s the Bordeaux ‘Rocade’ to negotiate – admittedly a very tame version of the M25 or the Paris Périphérique – and at our times of life we like to let the train take the strain.

Leaving the cats with their basic but effective water-and-food dispenser, we dropped off Daphne with her godparents and her best friend Holly for a mini 'Hollyday' en route for Brive station on a beautiful Friday morning. The forecast suggested that the weather would deteriorate, so we took raincoats and umbrellas as if off to Blackpool for the weekend. Changing trains at Liborne – which made little sense to me since our connecting train was also stopping at Bordeaux – we both noticed a contemporary ageing couple with cases rather fuller than ours. I liked the man’s walking shoes, but we couldn’t spot the brand. Either they too were bound for Arcachon, we surmised, or they were heading for the airport to fly to Geneva in order to visit their daughter, her Swiss husband and their new baby.

The connecting train was a double-decker, my first time on such a feat of engineering. We ate our packed lunch and settled in for a journey to and then from the most beautiful city in France, stopping at just about every dormitory town all the way to Arcachon. A lot of new pricy-looking apartment blocks seem to have gone up since our last visit. I hope the agents immobiliers at Bigoras will warn clients that the fumes from the belching cheese or chemical works smell quite awful. I assured my wife that it had nothing to do with me.

At Arcachon, we spotted the couple from Liborne and followed them towards the centre of town. They turned off down a side street, bound not for Geneva but, judging by his walking shoes, a hotel more expensive than ours. The Dame had found a good deal at a Best Western near the port, a 15-minute walk down the beach-side boardwalk which is not designed for cases with wheels. The favourable reviews about breakfast had sold the hotel to us, but the receptionist, indeed everyone there, was charming and welcoming. I guess that’s one thing in Airbnb’s favour: hotels must be so anxious for your custom that staff go that extra yard to curry favour.

On the way back into town to check the lie of the land and identify a possible restaurant for that evening, we passed a little place with a promising tout compris lunchtime menu with a delightful sign in the window that made us both chuckle: We try to speak English just for you. How very kind. Perhaps lunch next day. We also laughed later to observe that the insalubriously-named D’Ompe bar publicised ‘Coktails’; presumably spirits with a pinch of white powder. A coktail or two might have intensified the pleasure of browsing among the sale goods lining the streets of the centre, a braderie organised to tempt the crowds for this February holiday weekend. We bought nothing but a string of garlic and a truly delicious chocolate-orange ice cream.

Back at the port with evening falling fast, we found a restaurant at the corner of a street that opened at 6.30 but, for some peculiar reason, didn’t start serving food for another hour. So we sat nursing a beer and chatting to a delightful young waiter about the season and the wonderful weather. He volunteered that he’d gone swimming earlier that day with a friend and, with his thumb and forefinger and an infectious cackle, he suggested that his wiener had shrunk with the cold to the size of a cornichon. We speculated later on his sexual inclination. Rare perhaps to find a heterosexual stranger ready to reveal such an intimate and self-deprecating detail of his anatomy. That evening, we chose Taika Waititi’s first film, Eagle vs Shark, on Mubi in our hotel room. How we laughed to see such quirky fun.

After a breakfast that lived up to all the favourable reviews on Trip Advisor, we headed for the beach without our coats and umbrellas. It had rained in the night, but the morning was a blue limpid miracle. Shedding our footwear to enjoy a cold, sandy pedicure, we walked as far as the point from which you can see across the bay to the lighthouse at the tip of Cap Ferret. Dogs and small children gamboled on the sand and parents tried in vain to stop their charges from getting soaked. We walked to the central market where we bought a picnic supper to eat in our room (so I could watch the Calcutta Cup rugby match) and we walked all the way back to the port to have lunch at a tiny café offering vegetarian food. Our hostess Colette’s haughty tabby cat sat on a chair by the door, as if vetting the clientele.

By the time we’d walked to town past some outlandish architectural confections and back along the sand again (with another chocolate-orange ice cream), the Dame’s phone app suggested that we’d clocked up something like 20,000 steps that day – and without the aid of a ‘coktail’. We slept well after the rugby and a quirky but forgettable Canadian film on Mubi again.

Sunday morning breakfast was every bit as copious and satisfactory as Saturday’s, and outside the day was yet more beautiful. The sea was like the proverbial millpond and the cloudless sky a deep shade of blue. A long walk along the sand and then a stroll along a promenade full of walkers, joggers and cyclists took us to the kind of authentic restaurant where the Good Wife could satisfy her oyster-lust. Being oyster-agnostic, I opted for a very fine fish soup. Afterwards, we went back to our favourite ice-cream parlour for a chocolate-orange dessert. Debs revealed that she had consumed her customary annual ice-cream allocation in one weekend.

SNCF in their habitual maddening SNCF manner had cancelled our train back to Bordeaux, but laid on buses. We decided to pick up an earlier one in case of mayhem on the Rocade. Well, maybe not ‘we’: the truth is that Nervous O’Sampson here persuaded his rather more optimistic and carefree wife that it might be a prudent idea.

In fact, it didn’t take much longer than the train, so we had an even longer wait at Bordeaux’s central station, as insalubrious as big-city stations always tend to be. Our bus driver was a genial chap, but his habit of stroking with one hand his white goatee ‘comfort beard’, as I christened it, while driving with the other alarmed me. He stopped at every little town en route for the regional capital, which involved tight roundabouts and two hands on the steering wheel. Bigoras still stank and I hoped that my fellow passengers wouldn’t think that it was me.

After enjoying the last of the day’s sun outside the station, after dismissing alcoholic beggars with a sad-eyed shake of the head and after polishing off the remains of our pre-rugby supper from the previous evening, we finally boarded our train to Brive on platform 9. It seemed a long journey back, but maybe we were tired out by all those steps. We got home late, but Otis and Mingus seemed fine and a dispenser almost devoid of croquettes told its own tale of an indolent weekend with little or no rodent-hunting.

As for the minds, bodies and spirits of their humans, they felt suitably renewed after a spring-like weekend of sea, sand, sun and superior breakfasts.